I had a very frightening realisation today..... I'm turning in to my mother.
Now, I've known for some time to keep my eye out for this as I can see traits of my mum in both of my sisters, but I didn't see this particular trait coming in me.
For years now I've noticed that my mum has severe problems with breaking her routine. Anything even slightly different and she goes into a state of panic that makes her stress to high heaven. Even something as small as a visitor coming and so she doesn't start the tea on time, or not being able to do the weekly shop at the same time on the same day each week. She has a very good friend in Scotland who she goes to visit a few times a year and to get there she gets the coach. She has to get the same coach, from the same station, at the same time, every time otherwise she simply won't go. It just messes her head up and she thinks of all the things that could go wrong and it puts her off completely. I've never understood this, and to be perfectly honest it drives me absolutely mad! Now I'm not saying I'm like that, I'm not opposed to change or breaking my routine - although there are some things that I absolutely need a routine for, but that's another story - but I definitely saw a hint of this in me this morning.
Dan had an appointment in Salford at the Oasis Academy, to set up a joint concert for the choir, and because my appointment was cancelled I said that I would take him and have a walk around Media City while I waited - I think I mentioned this in a previous post actually. I was really excited about this when I first thought about it, but when it came to this morning and I realised I didn't know where I was going, or how to get there, or where I would park, I got really freaked out. And this is in my bedroom, just as I'm getting ready to go out the door! The fact that it had snowed over night again added to my concerns to be honest, I thought 'what if I can't push through the snow.. or can't park, or if I get stuck?'. I got in the car and drove us to the academy anyway and thought I'd deal with my worries when I got there!
So, we got there, Dan explained to me where to go, down to every turning and every landmark to look out for, for all of the half a mile I was driving (if that) and I still panicked as he got out the car. I had to actually talk out loud to myself the whole way there, saying the directions he gave me over and over and I congratulated myself when I found the car park with ease! Then once I was parked up and had sent Dan a text to let him know I had found it a whole new set of panics set in. Then I had the thoughts of 'how do I get out of the car park?', 'what if I can't find the right car park when I come back?', 'where do I go once I'm out of the lift, what if there isn't a lift?!'. And I kind of sat there and mentally slapped myself for being completely ridiculous and told myself to get out of the car and just go and find out! So I did. And of course, everything was fine, once I was in the shopping centre there was nothing to worry about - other than the fact that there were no shops open - and I felt so stupid for getting myself worked up over nothing.
When I realised that there were no shops open, I decided to go for a walk outside, just to prove to myself that I could, because again, the thought of it made me feel uneasy when I first thought of it. So I just did it, and went through things step by step and I ended up having a pretty good wander along the waterfront, over a couple of bridges and then by that time Dan had finished and we met up before I'd got back to The Lowry.
I think it scared me really, joking aside at the fact of turning out like my mum, because it just shows how much I have come to rely on others since I broke my leg. Before the accident, I used to drive up and down the country all on my own, finding different sports halls, exploring different cities etc, but now that I've had people with me a lot of the time because I lost the ability to do things for a time, as in get myself in and out of the car, it seems I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. I hadn't realised it until today, which again is worrying. Especially now as I'm coming up to hopefully starting work, what am I going to be like going to new places and meeting new people and such? I'm not worried about the new people part to be honest, I don't think I've changed in that respect but I'll be panicky as hell in the lead up to getting there... I'm getting panicky at the thought of it!!
I need to do something about this. I'm not sure what yet but I need to address it, I don't want to be the type of person that can't handle change. I should start travelling places on my own again, unknown places I mean, and filling my own car up with fuel rather than going with someone else.. It might sound silly but after I had an incident with this a few months back I haven't done it on my own because it panicked me and so I've just taken someone with me to do it since then.
This is something else I'm going to have to keep you updated on.......
After the trauma of yesterday, and the fact that after the meal out with the choir last night cost us more than we had planned and so I have no money, I decided to stay in today. The day was made perfect though as Kirsty brought Maizie round to meet my mum and dad. So I got lots of baby cuddles and got to take some beautiful photos of the two of them, which was lovely. Mum loves her and dad surprises me every time I see him with a baby, you wouldn't think it but he's such a softy when it comes to babies and he's a natural! In a way it makes me excited to make him a Grandad because I know he'll be so good at it... but we'll stop talk of that right there in case Dan is reading this ;)
|Aren't they both beautiful?|